• Veronica Harder

A polyamorous group I'm in had someone post an unintentionally hurtful meme about Relationship anarchy and having no rules. This turned into a great discussion about what RA means to people in that group, and it's something I thought we might want to discuss here. The beauty of RA is that is can mean different things to different people, and I wanted to share what RA looks like for me. I've copied my post from the other group below: Relationship anarchy does not inherently mean "no rules". It means no rules that are prescribed or assumed by the outside culture. That only the people in the relationship can define the rules. Relationship anarchy can completely have rules, it's just that they aren't the rules assumed by society or prescribed by anyone else. They are the rules you agree upon as a couple. Re: rules vs boundaries. Rules are "you can't do this" and are put in place by one partner or agreed upon by the couple. They impact someone other than yourself. Boundaries only involve your own behavior. To illustrate how "rules" and boundaries work in a relationship anarchy type relationship, I'll use an example from my boyfriend and me. We have agreed not to have unprotected PIV or PIA with anyone, including each other. This is a "rule" in our relationship. But the important difference between rules and boundaries is how they are "enforced". In a traditional non-RA relationship, breaking of "rules" is usually considered cheating. You would "punish" the other person for breaking them. Vs with boundaries, you control your own response to them. When a boundary is crossed, we would have a conversation about how this made us feel and works towards a solution together and see what our relationship needs. For instance, if one of us had unprotected sex with someone else, the other partner would refrain from having sex with that partner until two weeks and a clear STI test comes back. We're controlling our own safety by removing sex. This isn't a punishment for the other partner, it's simply controlling for safety. This combined with a good conversation can resolve the hurt and preserve the relationship, without creating a "bad partner" dynamic that is present in some non-RA relationships. So our unprotected sex "rule" functions like a boundary in that we're not trying to control the other partner's behavior, but we adjust our own behavior in response. However, It's perfectly acceptable to have a "rule" in a relationship anarchy situation. When I started dating my boyfriend, he said that he'd only accept rules around safety (see above) and practicality. This is where our one "rule" comes into play. Communication. About schedules, about safety, about everything. This is the area where I would consider it cheating if it wasn't followed. For instance, if boyfriend were to have unprotected sex with someone else and didn't tell me about it, I would consider this cheating. I would consider ending the relationship. This is a "rule" he and I have agreed upon. But that doesn't make us hierarchical, or not relationship anarchists, because this "rule" didn't come from outside our relationship, we agreed upon this rule. Another important distinction between rules in RA vs rules in hierarchical poly or non-hierarchical polyam, is that rules without RA don't allow for additional partner's input. As an RA, it would be a problem if one of my "rules" or "boundaries" was in conflict with another partner's or metamours. Boyfriend and I had an example of this last year. Early in our relationship, boyfriend and I would share all the details from our sexual experiences with each other, because A- we thought it was hot, and B- because it helped me reduce any envy that I felt, or fear of the unknown. I have some trauma issues, and knowing the details helped me feel safe. We had agreed that we'd share details, and we always checked with other partners to make sure this was ok. It was a "rule" we agreed upon with each other. However, boyfriend started dating someone last year, who did not want sexual details to be shared, so we had to revise our "rules". If we were hierarchical, we'd have put our "rule" above the privacy of the partner. However, since we are an RA couple, we adjusted our expectations to accommodate this partner. What does Relationship Anarchy look like to you?

  • Veronica Harder

Important notes about STI screening:

Backstory: Went to Planned Parenthood today for my routine testing. I had just switched insurance, and finally my insurance covered PP, and wanted to give them money. Before that, I had been routinely tested by my primary care physician. Every 3 months.

Today at PP, they told me Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are site-specific (ie, they will live in one area, but not another). They recommended an oral and anal swab for these two. Before this, I had only been tested with a urine sample, which would only catch these infections if they were vaginal for me.

This means, in theory, anyone who has only had a urine screening for these two STI's could have them asymptomatically in their throats or anuses without knowing. I am so annoyed that if you ask your doctor for an STI screen, it's not standard to include these swabs. Many humans have unprotected oral sex. We often use condoms for PIV and PIA, but less use these for oral sex.

TLDR: when you get STI screening, be sure to get an oral and anal swab, in addition to your blood and urine screenings.

Site-specific testing = swabs for Chlamydia/Gonorrhea available orally, and anally. These two STI’s are commonly only screened for with a urine test which would not pick up these infections in the throat or anus. Planned Parenthood offers these tests upon request.

  • Veronica Harder

This is my review of the Vibease vibrator! This is an AMAZING Vibrator that you can get an amazing discount (usually 10%, but currently 25% OFF) by clicking here: https://www.vibease.com/?p=GET10%OFF

Ok, first off, I am a part of the Vibease affiliate program, so I DO benefit if you buy this vibe, but I wouldn't have signed up for this program if I didn't believe in the product.

For all of my product reviews I will be reviewing the following features

1- Design

2-Ease of Use


4-Special Features

1- Design

Here's a pic of this cute little toy:

As you can see from the pic above, the toy is very discreet. It is made from amazingly soft silicone, which allows for a great grip, and you can slide it around easily. What makes this design especially great is the little "nubbin" designed to go on your clit. You can feel the vibrations especially strong there, but also throughout the toy. Its shape also allows for "wearing" the vibrator in your undies for hands free use, at home... or not ;)

Design score: 5/5

2-Ease of use

As you can see from the pic above, the toy is designed for use in your hands or your undies. It functions well for both, BUT, I did find that sometimes when I got really excited by a good video, the little "nubbin" would slip off my clit and sometime delay my orgasm. I like edging though, so this really wasn't too much of a hindrance

Ease of use score: 4.5/5

3- Sensations

The vibe offers a variety of vibrating and control patterns. I LOVE that this vibe isn't "buzzy" at all. the Vibrations are deep, and deeply satisfying.

Sensations score: 5/5

4-Special Features

This is where the Vibease really shines!

- Story mode

What makes Vibease especially exciting for an erotica narrator is that you can set the vibrator to vibrate along with the erotic audio in the Vibease store! (I will be narrating some of these stories soon, and you can be sure I'll let you know when you can listen. This feature is AMAZING! The vibes heat up when the story does, and it almost feels like you are immersed in the story yourself! You can also control the vibrations yourself if you get tired of waiting!

-Long Distance mode

I went on a trip shortly after getting my Vibease, and I had my boyfriend log into the app and control the vibrations. We are in to BDSM, and this was amazing as he could tease me just the way I like. There's even built in video chat, though I wasn't able to use this as the hotel wifi wasn't strong enough!

Special Features score: 5/5

Overall score 4.8/5

I am so happy with my Vibease and can't wait to use it again for more audio stories, and my next trip.

Is it bad that I can't wait to use this toy on a book I've narrated? Check back so I can let you know when you can listen to me narrate a story in the Vibease app!

© 2019 by Veronica Harder

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